"Cave Johnson, here.

We here at Aperture Science strive to bring you the best technology in order to solve all of your everyday life problems. This includes having some form of intelligent object that you need to burn immediately - trust me, we know how that goes. Sometimes, you just don't have an Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator chillin' about in your home or sometimes that item's too heavy, too violent, or too intelligent to take to the incinerator and you just don't know what to do!

Well, I'm glad to say we've found a solution to that problem: The Aperture Science Portable Emergency Intelligence Incinerator Gun!

This portable version of our Emergency Intelligence Incinerator provides you a lot of intelligence incinerating firepower in a small package. It pumps up to a temperature well above 4000 Kelvin and shows that intelligent item you may be barbequing who's really the smarter one between the two or thousand of you! However, mind you that this much firepower is quite heavy. It'll slow you down a bit, but make you look like the actual genius in the room - even if you are an idiot. If you are an idiot though, we've generously labeled it with a warning, placing 'CAUTION' right there on the front of the gun. Don't stare at that too long though as you attempt to read it if your hand's on the trigger. We're not responsible for any degree of serious burning once it's in your capable hands.

Capability, remember, is gauged here at Aperture by the number of zeros found at the end of your bank account, so let's see those numbers!

Cave Johnson, we're done here!"

Thank you, Mr. Johnson.

Now, another item here brought to you from Aperture Science for the Pyro class of Team Fortress 2! This serves as a weapon item for the Pyro's primary weapon slot. Today we have the Aperture Science Portable Emergency Intelligence Incinerator, or the ASPEII. Here are some of the features of this fine weapon.

The ASPEII is a heat generator that heats up to well above 4000 Kelvin and incinerates objects through flames projected by compressed air. The heat from this gun can melt a number of things, intelligent or not and is just as reliable as the larger Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerators. This includes Spies and sentry guns and this sucker incinerates things pretty darn fast!

An indicator light is found on top of the faceplate again to indicate how your fuel levels are doing and each gun is generously (and obligatory due to legal reasons) labeled with “CAUTION” on the front rim of the gun to warn you of the dangers this gun holds. However, the technology used in this gun is quite heavy and slows the user down quite a lot. It also has a slight lag between pressing the heat initiation button located on the back and it actually firing due to the time it takes to set up the compression and for the frontal iris to open up.

Also, if you're worrying about the gun melting in your hands, fear not! It's made from materials that withstand the heat generated by the ASPEII, though we wouldn't recommended attempting to dismantled or destroy the gun. That would end in pure disaster – we're sure of it.

The design is based off newer Aperture technology, this weapon here looking closer to the design of the Portal Gun. The front rim is designed after the actual Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator from the first game and the trigger button is based off the one used to activate the larger models.

Again, this is meant for the Pyro as a primary weapon slot option. The ASPEII packs a lot of punch, however, it's bulkiness slows the user down a significant amount. Again, there is a slight lag between triggering and the actual firing of the gun, but because of it's weight, it also keeps the user from being knocked back too far by enemy bullets – perfect for taking out those Sentries, though it will probably take you 8 years to get there! Also, careful of the low ammunition rate this gun has – don't want to be caught out on the road with an empty tank, right?

Also, it is recommended that any items/cubes of any value, monetary or sentimental, be kept away from the ASPEII.